The Firm

Henderson: …The Firm's been stagnating for decades – working conditions here are like something out of the 19th Century.

Pratchard: Tom, you're making us sound like that firm that's being done for male chauvinism. Come on, we appointed that woman person to the corporate department. I understand she makes a cracking cup of tea.

Henderson: All the same, I think there's a connection between our public image and last year's record losses. Luckily, I've seen a gap in the market. There's that trendy media – or I should say "meeja" – firm that keeps appearing in all the papers. They're losing partners apparently, must be in trouble. We should step into the void.

Pratchard: Not another attempted merger, they always laugh, it's so embarrassing.

Henderson: No Jack, I'm talking copycat strategy here. There's is exactly the ultra trendy image we need. Our first move is to transform you into a rent-a-quote leader with a silly hairstyle. Or in your case – any hairstyle. Actually, in your case – some hair. It might help if have your lip pierced. Now, whenever something happens you have to appear on telly and pompously give an opinion. Let's practice. What do you think of plans for a DNA database?

Pratchard: I find it impossible to understand… what DNA is.

Henderson: Where should the Law Society hold its conference?

Pratchard: Disneyland.

Henderson: Now you're just being silly. We'll need to set up a human rights group. Luckily, we've got lots of recent experience acting in the General Pinochet case. Oh when will poor Mr Pinochet be freed? He's such a good client. Always pays his bill on time. And of course we need to be big on defamation.

Pratchard: What the dickens is defamation?

Henderson: Well, if I were to publicly state that some rival firm was a bunch of and if they claim otherwise they're talking b……..s – that would be defamatory. I've taken the liberty of poaching a couple of meeja types to head up the new practice areas. May I introduce Baz.

Baz: Yo, comin' at cha Big Rasta Pratchard. It don' matta if you rich or if you poor, I the geezer who will deal wit' da law.

Pratchard: Why's he talking in that ridiculous patois. The man's as white as a ghost and from his CV I see he went to Eton and Christ Church. And his father's the Earl of Norfolk.

Henderson: You have to talk like that in the meeja if you want to be successful. Take Tim Westwood. And while we're on that subject may I introduce MC Groover.

Pratchard: Funny name for a lawyer.

Henderson: He's not a lawyer. He's the City of London's first in-house DJ. How's that for trendy?

MC Groover: Big shout goin' out to the intellectual property posse. Keep it massive…

Henderson: And to this heady recipe we simply add charlie and wait for the clients to come rolling in. Fortunately some associates recently left some charlie in my garage.

The phone rings.

Henderson: It's working! It's ITV. They want you to go on Richard and Judy to discuss the reform of legal aid and whether Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones are the couple of the year. Have fun darling. Ciao.