Osbourne again

His father may bite the heads of bats and hardly be able to speak due to his sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll past, but Louis Osbourne, eldest son of Birmingham’s finest Ozzy, has chosen a more salubrious career than that of the family profession of reality TV.

Word reaches Tulkinghorn that the recently married 31-year-old has enrolled in law school.

Although he only made rare appearances on seminal cultural product The Osbournes, Louis initially took the approved child-of-rock-star career path of becoming a DJ after finishing public school. Like Osbourne père, he went from humble beginnings in Brummie dives to LA hotspots. But despite building up an underground following in Ibiza and LA, he’s now swapping his tracks for textbooks.

Tulkinghorn wishes him all the best. Certainly Ozzy is no stranger to jurisprudence, and Tulkinghorn hopes this will stand Louis in good stead: in 1986, three lawsuits were brought against Ozzy (unsuccessfully), claiming that his lyrics had caused people to commit suicide.