Autumn. Season of mist, mellow fruitfulness and the Conker Cup. As the nights draw in and the fruits fill with ripeness to the core, Tulkinghorn simply can’t wait until 5 October, when the Wragges-sponsored event kicks off (with help from Lovells) at the Great Eastern Hotel.

Last year it raised more than £25,000 for the NSPCC. This year the organisers are hoping to raise even more and promise a conker lottery, conker golf and a white port luge, courtesy of Taylor’s Port.

Defending his title as Port Luge Champion will be Kendall Freeman’s Kevin Perry, who managed eight last year and was still standing. The sounds will be provided by Lovells’ Bob Kidby and his band, despite vicious rumours within Lovells that the music slot will be put out to tender.

But what of the nationwide shortage of conkers? Lovells’ Neil Fagan shrugs off the looming crisis, declaring to Tulkinghorn: “We don’t want any shrivelled nuts.” Boom-boom.