One of Tulkinghorn's solicitor friends trekked up to the Central London County Court last Tuesday morning (27 May) only to find the whole place locked. Perturbed, he dialled the central switchboard number, which rang… and rang… and rang. He then scoured the court for some kind of notice as to why it was deserted: again, nothing.

After making his own enquiries, Tulkinghorn discovered that the court was closed for the Queen's official birthday. Except her birthday wasn't on Tuesday at all. It fell over the Bank Holiday weekend.

“But we always have a day off for the Queen's birthday, so we decided to close on the Tuesday,” a member of the court staff told Tulkinghorn. So why was this fact not more widely advertised? More importantly, why did the court not tell its caterers? According to Tulkinghorn's mole, several trays of milk and cakes were left outside on the Strand all day. brigade are equally welcome. The production team ideally wants “someone who has never done voluntary work before, but has strong views about youth crime and what should be done to keep young people out of trouble”, presumably on the basis that it makes much better reality TV.

So if you were tempted by Big Brother, but age and the effects of gravity held you back, here's your chance. Just remember that you can't send the little bleeders off to the Colonies anymore. Interested lawyers should call 0800 0839918 or email mentors@