This a self-indulgent piece written by an entitled middle-class university educated white male. I know that could be the initial thought for some reading this. We are all quick to make snap judgments and I have to remind myself of this. I want to crack the veneer of that appearance and look a little deeper at my own experiences..
Pride for me is about self-reflection, celebration and commemoration. It has prompted me to write openly about my own experience growing up as a gay man. Hopefully this is not viewed as ego-centric, but it will possibly strike a chord with, and help, others. Had I grown up with more openly gay role models in senior positions when starting my career, I would have felt reassured and encouraged to ‘be me’ from an earlier age, something that I really want for the younger generations.
Self-reflection
Last year, I took on the role as joint head of EDI at Forsters, with my colleague Amy France. My focus has more than ever shifted to enabling others to feel comfortable in their own skin, to be open and honest about their identity (or at least not to feel they have to hide it), and to ensuring that we are promoting a work culture where we value these three principles to the point where it no longer becomes something to ‘address’ or to write articles about them.
With the increased visibility and focus on minority groups in the UK it is easy to forget that success and indeed opportunities may not come so easily to some. Even today, our formative years and life experiences mould our thoughts on who we ‘should’ be and events like Pride help remind people and challenge people’s behaviour.
From a very young age, I knew that I was gay. Being the son of a military father and an only child in a quite traditional family, I was very aware that my sexuality may be difficult for my family to deal with. I attended an all-boys boarding school from 7 until I was 18. Needless to say that environment was at times quite toxic, very ‘blokey’ and not remotely conducive to coming out. I was sent to a school that (in the initial years there) prized rugby-playing alpha males. I was academic and musical and struggled to help promote the status of music in such an environment. Everything I valued seemed not to be of importance to many of those around me; I felt different, I felt alone and I felt like I couldn’t be myself.
Although things improved through university and into my working life, I constantly found that I had my guard up. Even simple Monday morning conversations at the coffee machine about what I had done over the weekend would need to be vetted in my head before a sometimes edited version was recounted. Questions about my personal life, friends and family would often leave me struggling to explain without disclosing my true identity and were particularly difficult when raised at client events with the dilemma of whether I should be open and honest, or whether that could affect my career and opportunities at the firm.
Over the course of my 10 years at a magic circle firm in the City and thereafter, great changes came about – an LGBT network at the original firm, a London gay property network that grew from tens of members to hundreds, and a firm in which I now work where I am happy to be myself in an open and supportive environment – these are all positive signs of change both in the UK and in the legal and property industries.
Had I also appreciated how accepting most people would be to my coming out, I would also have done it sooner. My family could not have been more supportive, and the same went for my friends, most of them admitting that they had had their suspicions in any event! Whilst I appreciate that everyone’s circumstances are different, the overwhelming majority of people that I have talked to about their own experiences have confirmed that they were better than they had anticipated or feared.
Celebration
Over my years of work, equality, diversity and inclusion awareness, be it gender, race, sexual orientation, disability or religion, has become a more integral part of many businesses. From a purely mercenary perspective, clients also value firms that hold these values high. Publicity from celebrity coming out revelations, the media’s portrayal of gay story lines in soaps and the more frequent exposure of people to LGBTQ+ issues is really something to be celebrated, and what better way than a parade and party.
By raising awareness (through events such as Pride, media awareness or otherwise) we are working towards addressing people’s prejudices and discrimination – I say working towards, as there is still a long way to go. We should celebrate the fact that people feel comfortable coming out, that parades and festivals are widely attended by both the LGBTQ+ community and straight allies, and that workplaces are making serious efforts to address discrimination and prejudice in this regard.
Commemoration
Of course progress in acceptance, awareness and understanding goes hand in hand with commemoration of those who have not lived (or do not live) in such open times. I am so thankful to the Stonewall movement, to global gay pride movements and to all the many LGBTQ+ charities who have strived to achieve a greater acceptance for the LGBTQ+ community, and the best way to commemorate their efforts is to further them through our own actions. It is deeply upsetting that there are still 64 jurisdictions where being gay is criminalised, and even more disturbing that in 11 countries being gay can carry the death penalty.
One often hears complaints that Pride and LGBTQ+ issues are non-existent, and why do they get so much publicity. I think the above says it all. So long as there is any discrimination of any type, our work is not done. On a microscopic level, if being open and out in the office, and sharing my experience of growing up as a gay man, can help reassure colleagues and new joiners that you can succeed and you can be valued, then I will have achieved something very small in my own way.
As Pride month once again approaches, lend some support to your friends and colleagues who are supporting it – an important point for the LGBTQ+ community is inclusivity, and that extends to gay and straight alike. Happy Pride!
Charles Miéville is a partner at Forsters
