How many times have you heard a member of the LGBTQIA+ community share that they have hidden part of their personal lives during their career? Yet, even once they have come out of the closet, it feels as if the door slams shut again with each new job, position, colleague…
At the start of my career as a trainee solicitor, I hid a huge part of what made me, me. Each Monday, simple chats with colleagues about our weekend became increasingly complicated and anxiety inducing as I spun different versions of plans with a ‘friend’, who was actually my girlfriend. It was exhausting. When I finally built up the confidence (read: had one too many drinks at a Christmas party), I let the cat out of the bag and told my team that I was gay. Contrary to the fears that had been playing in my head for months, the reaction from my colleagues was better than I could have imagined. There was a sense of relief that the hard part was over but, in reality, it was just the first of many times I have ‘come out’ at work.
Every six months for two years, as I moved to different teams for my training contract, I I would restart my painstaking assessment of how the team I rotated into would react if I came out. Would it work against me? Would they think differently of me? If it didn’t work out well, would I mind not having a future in this team?
As a junior lawyer, always trying to impress in order to progress, it’s not necessarily overt homophobia that you’re scared of at work (although it often is that too) but it’s the enduring worry that a colleague will see you differently, or ‘mark you down’ because of unconscious bias or a potential unspoken and perhaps unnoticed prejudice they may have. Fear of a negative response from others can be compounded if you have had a distressing past response from friends or family. You can nail your attention to detail, your technical skills and your legal knowledge, but despite all of the factors within your control, it’s the fear that something you can’t control could hold you back.
The importance of visibility wasn’t something that clicked for me as a very junior lawyer, but I’ve since come to value visibility in many forms. Some say ‘you have to see it to be it’ and whilst I understand the sentiment, I don’t agree that you need to see ‘it’ exactly. Visibility can come in different forms. It could be being an out and proud visible member of the LGBTQIA+ community, but it can also be visible support in the form of an active ally. With the visible support of an active ally, it really can give you the confidence to be ‘it’, whatever that means or looks like to a person. For me, being ‘it’ means being able to be truly authentic at work.
If we’re not able to be authentic, as lawyers, it becomes difficult to form the professional relationships needed to thrive in a legal career – if we’re not authentic, how can we build trust with colleagues and clients? To hold part of ourselves back ultimately prevents us from progressing and as a trainee, my fears were very much counterintuitive to my goals. Building trust based on authenticity leads to better relationships with colleagues and clients, which results in better outcomes and shared opportunities – much more is unlocked when you’re able to build that trust.
I think we can all be visible in some form, and under the pressures of the legal industry, where it’s so hard for so many to feel comfortable to bring themselves to work, it’s crucial to have visibility – we should each strive to be visible and authentic, in whatever form that takes.
Since my first two years as a trainee, I’ve moved firms, teams and cities and I’m very grateful to have been supported along the way. For me, Pride is a time to recognise the amazing support of allies as much as anything else. I’m privileged to be in the private equity team at Freshfields, which has given full support and encouragement to me throughout, not only to be authentic in my day-to-day role within the team, but also as a visible member of the community. Alongside the Halo network (the LGBTQIA+ people network at Freshfields), I hope that our visibility makes it easier for others to be authentic in the legal profession.
Emily Garland is an associate at Freshfields
