When I was growing up, I didn’t know a single gay person (no-one was out either at school or at college) and the only famous out gay person I can recall from the time was Julian Clary. He was so different to everything I knew about myself that I couldn’t possibly identify with him. I dated girls and joined in with the homophobic banter of my friends. I shut down the “gay” part of me and cannot imagine how much energy I wasted hiding myself.
I was in my second year of university and still hadn’t really met any gay people I could identify with. I was just out of a 10-month relationship with my girlfriend and found myself watching a rerun of Queer As Folk. It was a complete revelation. The characters were varied but more importantly, they felt “normal”; these were people “like me” and it felt like if they could be gay then so could I. I followed a link to a website when the obligatory “if you have been affected by the issues explored in this programme…” message came up and within a few days had come out (initially as bisexual) to a few friends and to my mum – I was 20.
On the one hand, I felt like a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders but on the other I lived in constant fear of being rejected as I came out to a steady stream of friends and family members; a process that took many months. I don’t think my sexuality was fully accepted by everyone in my life but I was lucky that the reaction was generally positive or at least indifferent.
Coming out isn’t a single event; you do it every single day and suffer from the anxiety that this inevitably creates. Not everyone accepts homosexuality as being natural and it is heart-breaking to find (as I sometimes did) that someone I admired and respected held me in a low regard (or even treated me with disdain) because of something I couldn’t change about myself. I was determined, however, not to hide that part of me.
During my LPC I endured many months of bullying by another student. I didn’t know or understand why I was being targeted as the bullying wasn’t “homophobic”. The person in question approached me on a night out – he was absolutely smashed; slurring his words and barely able to stay upright. He told me that he was gay and was so sorry for being horrible to me but that his friends would reject him if he was open about it. It was destroying him. He saw me being happy with who I was and resented it. I knew I needed to be more compassionate. As far as I know, he remained in the closet throughout the rest of the LPC and could still be in it now.
I was out as gay from the second day of my training contract. Fortunately, with limited exception, the vast majority of people who find this out about me react positively and I don’t believe it has affected my career negatively in any way.
My goal now is to ensure that we create a culture at Brabners (and in the wider profession) which doesn’t lead someone to feel that they must hide who they are in order to be accepted or to be successful in their career. Anyone using homophobic banter will usually have no perception of the effect that has on someone who lives their life in the closet; let me tell you now – it can contribute to the destruction of lives.
Last month we held our inaugural EDI conference, and our Together Action Group – which we created to champion LGBTQ+, physical and mental wellbeing, social mobility, gender and ethnic diversity across the firm – is delivering positive change. Almost half of my 400+ colleagues gave their personal time to support EDI initiatives last year – a near doubling since TAG was created in 2018.
However, if a single person at Brabners feels that they cannot be themselves at work, then we have work to do and I will do everything in my power to support them. My door is always open.
Steven Appleton is a partner at Brabners and chairs its LGBTQ+ affinity group
