Growing up in Ireland in the 80s LGBT+ role models were thin on the ground. I wanted children which felt near impossible with a woman back then. So, I was in denial for years and thanks to my Catholic guilt expected to stay in the closet forever. I wasn’t out at university or professionally until a few years ago. I never expected to be openly gay at work, or in the trade mark community. I decided to let others lead the way, but I got sick of waiting.
I’m a trade mark attorney and when I entered the field in the early 2000s it was vastly lacking in diversity. I worked in private practice, government organisations and a law firm, none of which had LGBT+ networks at the time. Hearing homophobic comments or “jokes” at work over the years confirmed my decision to stay in the closet. Once I was asked if I was in a relationship with a woman followed by “It wouldn’t work here, as we don’t like that”.
At one firm, I ended up desperately trying to hide my identity by referring to my now wife Sonia as a man ‘Sam’. We had greetings cards addressed to Triona and Sam in our new home. By the time we got married only a handful of my colleagues knew that there were two brides. When our son Finn was born, few knew that ours was a rainbow family, co-parenting in a thoroughly modern set up.
Before I joined Pinsent Masons my colleague and ‘work wife’ Jackie Conway strongly encouraged me to start at the firm out as a gay woman. We had read about the LGBT+ network there and she said that it was now or never. Having worked together for many years she had seen the effect on my mental health of not bringing my true self to work. I had held back about my relationship, the wedding excitement, and big chunks of my life. I had a child who I would encourage to be proud of his background, not ashamed, yet here I was, still lying by omission about my true self. The problem with coming out in a place you have worked for years is that it never feels like the right time and it’s exhausting coming out again and again.
So, when I joined Pinsent Masons I took Jackie’s advice and a deep breath and then put a photo of my family on my desk. If anyone asked who they were; the Asian lady or the little boy, I would tell them that they were my wife and son. It was the best decision I’ve made because once that plaster was off, I became a new person professionally. I talked openly about what I’d done at the weekend or about how my son takes full advantage of having two mums and two dads.
I went on to get involved in the LGBT+ network at the firm, contributing to panel discussions, speaking at conferences and webinars. It has changed my whole outlook. I had waited for other lesbian trade mark attorneys to come out and lead the way but I realised that I had to take the first step. While there are a number of out gay male trade mark professionals, I’m only aware of three other gay women. I want to encourage and support those out there with reservations.
Where previously I’d had concerns that being gay would affect my career, nowadays the trade mark field is much more diverse and inclusive. I’m on the IP OUT Committee an LGBT+ network which is part of IP INCLUSIVE. We provide support and networking opportunities, running around four events annually. These events, open to all, are a mixture of talks, panel discussions and more informal social events. I’m also heavily involved in D&I as a member of the CITMA council and I appear to be the ‘go to gay’ regarding females, in our profession! I’ve spoken at events about being gay, being a gay mum, co-parenting and intersectionality. My family and I walked in the London Pride parade with clients a few years ago. It felt like a profound and emotional milestone.
I really hope that being out and visible will encourage others to bring their authentic selves to work and be comfortable at the water cooler weekend debrief. Let’s hope there are no more generations of fake husbands in the future.
Triona Desmond is a legal director and senior trade mark attorney at Pinsent Masons
