I didn’t realise at the time, but I grew up in a very white and conservative area, quite typical of the South of England, but quite a contrast to my (wonderful but different) one-parent family with my Venezuelan dad and younger brother.
That feeling of being an outsider can give you a small insight into what it can be like for people that are marginalised and discriminated against. It was amazing how much work I did to assimilate and cover up parts of myself that didn’t fit in, without even realising. It becomes second nature.
I am still both pleased and horrified at my accent which (thanks in part to my legal career) bears absolutely no relation to my Spanish, Venezuelan or Yorkshire heritage. I am also conscious (though probably not enough) of my enormous privilege both just to live in the UK at all (Venezuela would have been very different) and as a white cisgender woman that mostly presents as English and straight.
It was a complete shock when, at the age of 26, after going a small way down the road towards exploring my bisexuality for the first time, I realised that my assimilation skills had absorbed views that I would never objectively agree with and, worse, had in fact evolved into a silent self-sabotaging mantra telling myself (me, a liberal and open person) not to “be gay”.
Internalised homophobia and biphobia (and for others transphobia) can each carry their own uniquely awful damage. Realising that certain narratives were so pervasive that they made me feel like an enemy to myself, also made me feel that it was imperative to do something to help, especially for those who I knew would have it far worse.
Being at a supportive firm really helped with that. In my personal life, I was being rejected by some of the L and G areas of the LGBT+ community as being a straight person that had no business being in their space.
At the same time, many of my straight friends and family were shrugging their shoulders at me coming out as bi. Some of them may have been unsure as to whether being bi is really a thing. This is a classic example of biphobic erasure – the presumption (in the face of evidence to the contrary and from both gay and straight people) that bi people don’t really exist but are just gay or straight people pretending. Anyone who has tried it knows that there is no point in trying to convince someone that you exist.
By odd contrast, at my firm people invited me to march in Pride with them, no questions asked, and were genuinely excited, when I first started talking about setting up our LGBT+ network.
I remember having lengthy discussions with every partner in my office about thoughts and logistics – they were each happy to spend time thrashing out issues that didn’t directly affect them but that they knew were important.
More people are now realising that all forms of discrimination (whether LGBT+ related or otherwise) are a problem for everyone and you need everyone’s help and investment to change things. Working with people that recognise that, makes all the difference. For anyone looking to start an LGBT+ initiative or network, my best advice is to ask loudly and widely for help. This is an area where people care and will help you if they can.
Our LGBT+ network (RPC RAIN – which stands for Respect, Appreciate, Include and Nurture) is now four years old at a time when (having turned 30 in lockdown) I am no longer young or junior but neither am I older or senior yet. It is a time to re-evaluate my priorities and reflect on what I really want from my career and my life. Whilst the timing is poignant for me now, I believe that we should always be asking ourselves what it is that we really want to achieve and reflecting on what we have learned from the changes we have seen. It is fair to say that LGBT+ issues have significantly evolved over that same four-year period, with the trans community becoming increasingly under attack, whilst receiving very little support from the government or the state healthcare system. In my view, it is and must be our priority to support vulnerable communities when they need it.
I personally feel it is important for me to say unequivocally here that trans people are entitled to the equal respect, dignity and support as any other person. In my view any messaging that is dressed up as being supposedly rational or based in “science” but in practice has the effect of negating that fundamental entitlement cannot and ought not to be allowed to win the day.
When it feels like we are going backwards, I try and remind myself that progress is never linear and that sometimes a pull backwards can be a sign that we are getting somewhere. I am extremely proud of and grateful to all those people that are working tirelessly and selflessly to achieve that progress. In no particular order, Stonewall, Gendered Intelligence, Mermaids and Global Butterflies are just a few really excellent organisations that have personally done so much to help me and the LGBT+ people I am lucky enough to have in my life. Ultimately, we really don’t have to be who we are told we are supposed to be. We can do and be, quite literally, anything. And there will always be people, somewhere (whether it is where you work or in your personal life), that are willing to help you to be you.
Cristina Faro is an associate at RPC and co-founder of RPC RAIN
