Hands up everyone whose New Year resolutions include any of the following: lose weight, cut down on drinking, write a novel, get a new job, see more of the family, see less of the family, start saving. Thought so. Pointless resolutions will no doubt still be the topic of office conversation this week, it would be a lot more interesting if law firms and chambers made resolutions along the same lines. So here are some helpful suggestions.
Allen & Overy A recession round the corner? A global workout and restructuring practice without US capability? Surely shome mishtake?
Bird & Bird Give Wessing a ring. Now.
The Bar Council Admit that BarMark is a total waste of time. And it's so '80s.
Clifford Chance All that fannying around deciding whether to merge with Wolf Theiss isn't going to get you anywhere. Don't listen to the Americans saying Austria's not a core jurisdiction, and forget the scars created by the Grimaldi merger – just do the deal before someone else does.
Clyde & Co Open in Abu Dhabi.
Dechert Meet those in-no-way-unreasonable billing targets, helpfully suggested to you by your American brethren. And try not to laugh.
Fountain Court Pull your socks up. You're losing ground to the rest of the magic circle sets.
Freshfields Bruckhaus Deringer Make the London partners learn German.
Halliwell Landau Want to solve that retention problem? Open up your equity.
Linklaters Sort out those tensions within the Alliance. And try to convince yourselves you need all those Belgians.
Pinsent Curtis So you've spent the last few years obsessing about premises and getting yourselves under one roof in Leeds. But is that any replacement for a strategy? Try doing something – anything – in Manchester.
Reynolds Porter Chamberlain Insurance litigation, media… all you need to do is build up property and you'll be spookily like DJ Freeman.
SJ Berwin Time for another huge salary hike.
Slaughter and May Hengeler's just as good as you. Deal with it.
White & Case Pay your Feddersen rainmakers twice as much or they'll all go.
And… Landwell Lose the name. It's awful.
Happy New Year.