APRIL Positive press comments – nil, v. bad, Negative press comments – getting fewer, good.

Number of interview requests from Joshua Rozenberg of the BBC refused – 38, excellent!

Monday Things are looking up. Only 10 mentions of wallpaper in today's press, the enormously cheering Garry is finally here and I've got rid of that wretched press woman Sheila Thompson (I've never trusted anyone who gets on with the press). Appointments to the civil service – just as with appointments to the judiciary – should be based on merit. By merit I mean the ability to rub along with your ministerial (and intellectual) superiors and to do what you're told. That is why Thompson has been replaced by Tony's adviser Allan Percival. I expect to move forward to a brighter future with positive press coverage – that's what openness is about.

Tuesday I believe in open government and so have decided, in consultation with my chum Garry, to throw open the doors of my new apartments. The country will see that I, with my commercial nous, have actually achieved great value for money for a very worthy cause.

Wednesday My officials, I am sorry to say, have erred once more. The press should never have been allowed into my apartments. It is clear that the representatives of Her Majesty's press do not have the art expertise that pertains to my wife and I. It was just as well I told Norah, my train bearer, to refuse entry to my water closet. This, I am afraid, proves I was right all along to have the workmen sign the official secrets act.

Thursday I attended the Freedom of Information awards today. I said it then and I'll say it again. We believe in open government.

Friday Why does everyone whinge on and on about the secret soundings system for appointing judges and silks? I keep repeating my sound bite: "Don't be shy. Apply." That should ensure all those young ladies at the Bar get into the judiciary. They may say it is not an open system. I say it is.

What could be fairer?

Friday I allowed the boy Hoon to publish his fat cat list of barristers. "Just keep the commercial boys off it Hoon," I commanded. It will keep the press busy for a day or two.