Separated at birth

As the country's Tories mull over whether to plump for the man in the Hush Puppies who can get them cheap fags or the man who no one had heard of two months ago, Tulkinghorn can reveal that the latter, Iain Duncan Smith, has a dark secret. Tulkinghorn has discovered that Duncan Smith is, in fact, none other than Clifford Chance partner David Griffiths, who has disguised his true persona by encouraging his firm to march into Europe in a way not equalled since Napoleon. Of course, when embracing his Duncan Smith persona, he would prefer to be able to shift the UK to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean so Europe's corrupting influence can be kept to a minimum. To ascertain Griffiths/Duncan Smith's true colours, Tulkinghorn suggests putting a box of Belgian chocolates on his desk and awaiting the reaction.