It’s the final Wednesday Grapevine before Christmas, so in time-honoured fashion here’s our own legal market letter to Santa:

A Leicester City football shirt for top Slaughters rainmaker Nigel Boardman, so he can stop pretending he supports the North London clubs that pay the bills.

Fake beards and moustaches for Bird & Birders, so they can head downstairs to burlesque club Volupté without being spotted by chief executive David Kerr.

Compost bins for Simmons managing partner Mark Dawkins and SJ Berwin‘s ex-senior partner David Harrel to help them continue their ecological crusades.

A dictation machine for Clifford Chance boss David Childs because he’s outsourced his secretary to India.

A calculator for Norton Rose managing partner Peter Martyr to help figure out the firm’s PEP next year.

Debretts’ New Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners for Gordon Pollock QC.

A tourniquet each for Lovells managing partner David Harris and his Hammonds counterpart Peter Crossley to stem those partner departures.

A stack of M&S gift vouchers for Freshfields corporate head Tim Jones and his colleague Barry O’Brien.

A copy of How to Make Friends and Influence People for Andrew Hoyle, ousted managing partner of Watson Burton.

Spandau Ballet’s Greatest Hits for Herbert Smith chief David Gold (‘Gold!’).

The board game Risk for DLA Piper‘s chief executive Nigel Knowles, to help with those world-domination plans.

A book of Sudoku puzzles for The Da Vinci Code judge Peter Smith to solve.

And finally, nice warm pairs of woolly socks for Orrick’s Ralph Baxter and Mort Pierce of Dewey Ballantine to warm their cold, cold feet.

Happy Christmas one and all.

The Lawyer