Tulkinghorn: Scales of justice

And what a night it was. 2010 winners BLP’s Real State had the hottest trombonist in the house, and a singer who was such an apparent favourite with the ladies that actual knickers were thrown on stage.

Blake Lapthorn’s Eclectic Zoo and Gide’s El-Vices Caches kicked some proper ass with a couple of high-energy rock sets (for when lawyers get together, it is decreed that they shall sing Mr Brightside and Seven Nation Army).

But the night’s winner was Mishcon’s The Enlightened Tenacitists, whose singer kept finding reasons to take his top off and whose set included a triumphant version of Queen’s Somebody To Love that went up to 11. The victorious Mishcon crew later repaired to Bar 49 in Soho, where lead sax Kevin McCarthy proceeded to blow his horn through the DJ mic. That’s rock ’n’ roll.

Clowns’ feet

The fashionista contingent at Stephenson Harwood had a shock last week when a firmwide email went out advising on the appropriate footwear to sport when visiting the
site of its new office in Finsbury Circus.

Apparently, anyone who wanted to check out the new pied-à-terre was told they had to put on blue plastic ­overshoes for fear that their standard-issue Doc Martens would ­damage the newly laid, lush, camel-hair carpet.

Some of these crimes against foot fashion were even liberally distributed around the firm’s current St Paul’s abode. But, before the more style-conscious SH lawyers could ­complain, someone noticed the date.

It wasn’t just dress-down Friday, it was also 1 April.

Balloonacy at the bar

Continuing this theme, Tulkinghorn always thought his luck was bad given that he was born on Christmas Day, but one has never considered the fate of those born on 1 April.

Imagine the hilarity as your colleagues think of ingenious pranks every year. Take Old Square Chambers senior clerk Will Meade, who turned 36 on the first of this month.

Apparently his ­colleagues have been ­celebrating his 40th ­prematurely for some years now. On 1 April this year Meade turned up for work to find he was unable to enter his office. It had been crammed with 1,000 balloons. Heliumarious.

Camera wrangles

An excited Addleshaws PR told one of Tulkinghorn’s scribes recently that they had secured permission from the firm to buy some video cameras for partners to use. This, thought the scribe, was a sure recipe for disaster. Whenever lawyers get hold of video cameras, it’s a shambles. Think Kennedys singing Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now, the ­shooting star pinnacle of this cringe-inducing spectacle. It probably always will be.

Still, Nixon Peabody’s theme song and Baker & McKenzie’s Christmas 2006 rendition of Is This The Way To Amarillo? both deserve honourable mentions.

So one piece of advice Tulkinghorn has for Addleshaws’ partners is to not sing. No music of any kind, in fact.

But even when firms take a less frivolous approach - such as SNR Denton did with its horrendously gushy post-merger talks video - it somehow still ends up being faintly ridiculous.

The problem is that when lawyers put themselves in front of a camera they try to be jolly, nice, approachable… and that’s just not them. Lawyers excel at being argumentative contrarians; why not showcase those skills instead?

Or, better yet, just leave those video cameras in the box.