Tulkinghorn: Rhyme of the times

The Bribery Act – bored of it yet? Mina Anand, an associate at Indian firm Surana & Surana International Attorneys in Chennai, certainly isn’t. In fact, Mina is so impressed/worried/delighted about the act that she’s penned a poem.

Here, for your ­delectation, it is in its gorgeous entirety:

Companies around the world beware –
Before you ’induce’, have a care.
The Bribery Act is here to stay
So don’t ’entice’, come what may.
You’re not British – it can’t touch you?
That’s a dangerous, misleading view.
The act is large-hearted – embraces many in its fold
Prosecutors are ready and willing, we are told
No ’offering’, no ’receiving’, no influencing
anyone, anywhere
– If you are a ’relevant commercial organisation’
it can be a nightmare
Unless you put ’adequate procedures’ in place
And sanitise ’associates’ in every single case.
No keeping company with offending types
You need ’top level commitment’ to earn your stripes
If you ’carry on business’ in the UK
And offend any provision, you will pay.
What exactly is ’carrying on’ is what’s not clear
‘Listed’ on the LSE ?- the SFO you can fear.
The official ’guidance’ says : ’
Proportionate ­hospitality’ is key
Wimbledon tickets for your client? Legitimate, you see.
So the motto is: Look before you bribe.
Never fall for the ’influential’ tribe
No more ’greasing of the palm’
Why put your reputation at harm ?
The erstwhile KGB’s deadly midnight knock
Is nothing to the act’s octopus-like lock.
You won’t go to Siberia or Tihar, but to a
British jail
So put ’due diligence’ in place without fail.
Just stick at the crease, do not ’grease’,
Business can be good and still be a breeze.

Phoney peace

It’s that time of year when just about everyone is on holiday, but the temptation to check BlackBerrys is endemic in the legal profession.

This trait is perfectly illustrated by DLA Piper’s groups and services managing director Andrew Darwin, who reports that his wife has a strict BlackBerry policy when away. She likes shopping, while ­Darwin likes ­checking his email.

So while Mrs Darwin is wielding the marital credit card, Mr Darwin is hovering by the shop door peering at his BlackBerry. A perfect ­compromise, and one designed to deliver a happy holiday and domestic peace.

Fraud prefect

Imagine how different the Indiana Jones films would have been if the director’s first choice Tom Selleck had got the eponymous role. Or what the banking market would look like now had a certain JP Morgan decided to use his private suite on the Titanic.

Now, imagine what life would be like if a suspected criminal had become head of the Serious Fraud Office. It’s not as unlikely as you might think.

Recently, Tulkinghorn was having a natter with a recruiter who was charged with filling a legal vacancy for the SFO. The chap drew up a list of potential candidates and among those highlighted as a ­contender was a certain Christopher Grierson.

Who knows, he might have done a sterling job. After all, the disgraced litigation partner currently up on charges of defrauding £1m is likely to know the tricks of the trade.
What an opportunity missed.