The (almost) daily news

Tulkinghorn's email is plagued by a whole host of quickly discarded nonsense, but few are as persistent as Poppleston Allen's eNews.

It arrives, with unerring consistency, three or sometimes four times a month. Until now Tulkinghorn has ignored this offering, not convinced that a specialist licensing firm based in Nottingham can really generate that much genuine news. Then, last week, an urge to see just what was going on in the world of licensing overcame him. This is what he found:

“Not wanting to be outdone by the other partners who have been writing recently about the new Licensing Bill, Paddy Whur talks you through some…” Well, that's enough, frankly.

Strangely, it seems that of the 51 issues of eNews (some are duplicate emails, presumably sent twice because the issue is just that good) received by Tulkinghorn in the last 10 months, the vast majority have been about the new Licensing Bill. Poppleston Allen is a specialist licensing firm, so you might justifiably ask, “Well, what else are they going to write about?” But really, anything sliced 51 ways is surely stretching the bounds of tedium. (On the one occasion that the firm did stray from the straight and narrow, it went wild discussing the reclassification of cannabis.)

But then, as Tulkinghorn's fingers were poised over his keyboard ready to urge the Government to tighten its grip on the regulation of the legal licensing profession, another email arrived. Yes, just a day after its last missive, eNews was at it again.

Now ready to blow a fuse, Tulkinghorn grudgingly opened the email, failing to comprehend what that pesky firm could possibly have left to say about the Licensing Bill.

But wait… surely not… but yes: Paddy Whur, previously so slow off the mark, has hit the jackpot. Surely this man is the firm's salvation, if only for finding an alternative to the Licensing Bill: Bingo. Apparently, the Chancellor has made it a tax-free sport. Mrs 'Dirty Gertie, 30' Tulkinghorn will be pleased. Thank you Paddy Whur, and thank you Poppleston Allen. Keep that news coming – I'm particularly interested in the new Licensing Bill…