Report this comment to a moderator

Revealed: Camerons rocks

The music industry hit out last night at the legal profession’s latest attempts to bolster waning partner profits by forming rock bands. ‘This is obviously a desperate revenue-grab,’ said Marvin T’Ossrag of the Musical Monopolists National Socialist Collecting Society. ‘It’s yet another sleazy attack on the music industry by a bunch of pirates whose actions will only end up leading to the destruction of Western civilization.’ The attack came after a group of lawyers who really should be tied to their desks in the City doing deals turned up at the 100 Club for an 80s stylee ‘Battle of the Bands’ competition in which the winning band would, it was rumoured, be exempted from their firm’s next redundancy consultation round. All proceeds from the event went to charity. ‘It’s clearly disgusting and a breach of everything we regard as sacred for this money to be going to save pandas or children with cancer or something when in fact it should be lining the pockets of the multimillionaire stars of rock and pop whose songs these bands clearly stole in order to present on stage, despite the long and tedious warnings – drafted by the lawyers themselves – which are inside every overpriced CD we sell,’ said T’Ossrag. The winners of the competition – CMS Cameron McKenna’s “The Stragglers” – were duly surprised to find music industry lawyers standing at the side of the stage ready to slap an injunction on them following their rendition of the Killers’ ‘All These Things That I Have Done’. ‘The maximum penalty for copyright theft and public performance like this is a £4.2bn fine and 20 years’ hard labour for every lawbreaker and all their extended family on Anthrax Island, off the coast of Scotland (not, as some believe, another name for the Isle of Man),’ said T’Ossrag. ‘It is totally clear to us now that this band intends to fee-earn on the side, not only recording albums of cover versions without permission but encouraging hordes of teenage girls to download their songs and other songs infected by this pernicious virus to their iPhones, thereby ensuring the destruction of the music industry within five years and the collapse of civilization as we know it the week after.’ The Music Industry is old, but persists in acting as if it’s not.

19-Jun-2009

3:51 pm