Downloaded from The Firm's new interactive internet chatroom
Pratchard: So wot are wee suposed to do in hear? Stop.
Henderson: Jack, it's an internet chatroom – following on from Allen & Overy's Newchange and Clifford Chance's Fruit Net. It allows us a forum to exchange ideas and documents with counsel, clients and each other.
Pratchard: Butt wee do that enyway. Stop.
Henderson: You don't have to write stop at the end of every sentence. It's not the same as sending a telegram.
Pratchard: Sorrry. Stop.
Henderson: And could you turn on the expensive dictionary and spell check programme I specifically bought for you so you wouldn't look like a retard in front of clients.
Pratchard: The bino-electronic syntagma is on line. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Stop.
Henderson: Now the great thing about this chatroom is I can talk to you from Hong Kong.
Pratchard: But you're sitting next to me. Stop.
Henderson: Yes, but if we had a client who needed me to go to Hong Kong…
Pratchard: None of our clients have computers. They all work in quarries. The most technological equipment they've got is a spade. Stop.
Henderson: Shut up. And if you type stop again I'll confiscate your Imodium.
Pratchard: I'm not sure about the name. Might people not get the wrong idea?
Henderson: Well, the Chancers had Fruit Net, so I thought what about Melons Net? But then I thought how do we make it unique to The Firm? Hence – Firm Melons Net.
Pratchard: It doesn't quite seem right.
Sven: Hello. My name is Sven. I am a big hunky man. Can I see the Firm Melons?
Henderson: This site is supposed to be secure. Where's this pervert come from? Access is limited to The Firm, our quarrying clients, barristers and judges. I've just answered my own question, haven't I? Bugger off Sven, whoever you are.
Sven: Alright Tom. And that's Lord Sven QC to you.
Henderson: Sven does illustrate an advantage of the internet. You can take on whatever persona you like. You can even represent yourself using an avatar – an animated character. Live out your fantasies. Go on, choose something.
Pratchard: Is this suitable, Tom?
Henderson: Not really.
Pratchard: Wearing stockings is a fine old legal tradition. Judges wear them for god's sake.
Henderson: Lara Croft isn't a judge though, is she?
Pratchard: Is it my fault I'm a woman in a man's body? Sorry, typed a bit too much. Look, here comes our first client.
Mario: Hello peeps. Is me Mario.
Pratchard: Look it's Super Mario from the computer game. I wonder who that really is.
Henderson: Err, he really is called Mario. He's a client of ours from Palermo. Best not take the piss too much.
Mario: I need to leave-a some two and a half million documents with you. All with-a da George Washington's face on them. It's all legit. Mad Franco Corleone found them lying in the street. Well, in a bank on a street. I'll email them over.
Henderson: I'm not sure this is the sort of chat we should be having online Mario.
Constable: Excuse me gentlemen. I'm part of the Fraud Squad's internet police unit and we have reason to believe this site is being used to launder money.
Henderson: Nonsense. Firm Melons Net? We're just peddling some harmless soft porn. If you look at the bottom of our screen you'll see. Quick Jack. Take Lara's top off…