Minutes of a partner's meeting at The Firm to discuss allegations of serious misconduct against corporate partner Alison Brett.
Pratchard: …So I advised him, deflect attention from the details of the case. When questioned in court, start ranting about MI5 killing Princess Diana, call your opponent a whore, claim Prince Philip is a German and a racist.
Henderson: Ridiculous. Prince Philip's Greek. Anyway, I didn't know we were advising Al Fayed.
Pratchard: Who's Al Fayed? This was a planning application for my mate Alf. Didn't work mind. They've locked him up. Remind me Tom. Why are we here?
Henderson: We're here to kick Ms Alison "so called" Brett out of the partnership.
Pratchard: What's she done? Still refusing to shag you is she? The little tease.
Henderson: Not at all. It's just that's she's been stealing stationery.
Brett: Lies. All lies.
Henderson: Big Tosh. Tell the partners what you discovered in Ms Brett's purse.
Big Tosh: Five of The Firm's biros, seventeen hole punches and a photocopier.
Brett: You're all useless. You can't even fit me up competently.
Henderson: That's not all. She's been making unwelcome sexual advances towards members of the partnership. Only last week she forcibly thrust her bottom onto my hand in the lift.
Brett: Pathetic Henderson. Just face it. You want me out because I'm the only one who dares criticise the inept way this firm is run.
Henderson: You're not even a team player. You don't fit in. Last Friday after the reception for the boys from the Granite Madhouse we're all playing "Who's got the biggest todger" but oh no. Ms Brett, quote, "doesn't see how she can join in". Come on lads. Let's sack the cow.
Brett: You think you're God's gift to City law but you're just a small-minded thug. Only two weeks ago that memo got leaked to The Lawyer where you derided other law firms, saying, for example, that Simmons was "a mickey mouse law firm". Hurtful and very wrong. Thank god the guys at Simmons have a sense of humour or they might have pompously kicked up a real stink.
Henderson: Yes. That was very wrong of me and I'm so so sorry I did it. But it doesn't change the fact that you can't cut the mustard here Brett. And you smell.
Brett: You'd lie and cheat to your own mother to get your way.
Henderson: How dare you! I have a very distinguished history of charity work. I've represented Cambridge University and England at athletics. I've never been convicted of any crime, be it stealing suits in Canada or insider share dealing. Do you really think if I were a charlatan I'd have been chosen as a candidate for Mayor of London? Tell them Jack.
Pratchard: What? Sorry I was nodding off. Err, yes Tom's a great fellow. He was having lunch with me at the time. Not with his mistress. Definitely not nobbing any whores. And he also launders money for the Columbian mafia. Or should that be – he doesn't launder money? I get so confused. I think I may have got it wrong yesterday when I was having lunch with that friend of yours from the News Of The World.
Henderson: What friend? Oh dear. Jack, I'm going to be out of the country for a few weeks. Ms Brett, if I let you run The Firm while I'm gone what do you say we forget the whole bottom-touching-trumped-up-charges-witch-hunt-thing? Good. Tosh, to the escape pods.
Brett: Is his name even Tom Henderson?
Pratchard: Who, Basil? No.