Legal Widow

October 3rd, Letter to Jack Pratchard from Bradford J Weisenmeiker III, senior attorney at San Francisco firm Weisenmeiker Kordonsky Bachman Turner Overdrive Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini (allied to San Diego firm Julian Dick Anne George and Timmy the Dog). Yo Jack,

Further to our recent meeting in August my firm Weisenmeiker Kordonsky Bachman Turner Overdrive, would like to merge its London office with your esteemed practice. Everyone stateside wants a piece of English pie – Rogers & Wells and Clifford Chance, that Pittsburgh firm that has opened in Birmingham, while a firm in Butthole, Arizona wants to crack the Newcastle market.

To allay any fears in the market I hereby state that we have full confidence in our London office. Without resorting to hyperbole, our London office is the best IN THE UNIVERSE. Our man in London – Dwight T Kordonsky Jnr IV – is not only a great lawyer. He is also a caring husband, a sensitive lover, and we suspect he may have superhuman powers like Spiderman.

That’s how highly we rate his operation. Now, it is true that our planned growth – 50 lawyers by October 1999 – has fallen short. By 49 lawyers. But we have poached a secretary from Wilde Sapte and, without spilling the beans, Linklaters had better increase salaries to its cleaners. If you get what I mean.

So anyway, why don’t Weisenmeiker Kordonsky Bachm… – oh jeez I get bored just dictating that name – and The Firm hook up? It may sound the most mercenary American-British partnership since Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones but godammit, we can make it happen. I’ll see you at the London office next week, then it’s off to Lie-Chest-er Square to celebrate…

October 10th, Letter to Bradford J WeisenMeiker III from Jack Pratchard

Dear Bradford,

We’re all very excited at The Firm about the proposed merger. We’ve all been arguing about the name – what about “Weisenmeiker Kordonsky Bachman Turner Overdrive Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini and The Firm”? Me and Big Tosh went down to find it earlier on in the week and there was just a big lorry loading computers and chairs. There was a notice in the window saying “purchased by Spar supermarkets – value produce on your doorstep.” We checked the entire street. There was one “solicitors” but that turned out to be a brothel. I asked around my friends in the City but they didn’t seem to have a clue. A couple of them had the cheek to suggest that since opening in 1997 your firm has no clients. And despite the yankee bravado, the “US invasion” was proving to be an embarrassing failure. I gave them short shrift! I told them how you’d publicly stated your support for the London office. Why would you do that, then close it down?

Anyway, we waited for you to show up as promised. Even went down to Leicester Square to check you weren’t downing the bubbly without us. It wasn’t a wasted trip, me and Big Tosh went to see Tarzan. He cried of course. Reminded him of ‘Nam…

October 14th, Letter to Jack Pratchard from US postal service

Dear Sir,

Return to sender. Addressee not known at this address since going bankrupt after over-ambitious international expansion. We can recommend another US firm. Why not try Mary Mungo Midge Davy Dee Micky…