In the lap of the goddesses
4 February 2002
29 January 2014
11 November 2013
19 July 2013
24 July 2013
15 April 2013
Tulkinghorn would like to take the opportunity to issue a public apology to Mrs Tulkinghorn for attending what is known in common parlance as a 'lap dancing club' with two very high-profile partners from the leading international law firm Clifford Chance.
Tulkinghorn is forced to make his apology this public as Mrs Tulkinghorn has taken to throwing the Le Creuset in his direction every time he tries to explain.
Tulkinghorn is not quite sure how he got himself into this situation. Tulkinghorn is a gentleman and would not usually 'squeal' on his friends, but he would like to humbly suggest to Mrs Tulkinghorn that the Clifford Chance partners hoodwinked him into attending the Spearmint Rhino lap dancing club.
Mrs Tulkinghorn, this is how it happened:
Just over a week ago, as part of a rare publicity drive, Clifford Chance took a number of its partners, some legal journalists and Tulkinghorn on a boat ride along the Thames.
The partners, journalists and Tulkinghorn were served a fantastic three-course dinner, along with not a small amount of champagne.
The boat docked around 10.30pm, which is about the time the Tulkinghorns are usually tucked up in bed with the cocoa.
Some partners then suggested further drinks. Thinking he would risk the ire of Mrs Tulkinghorn and arrive home a little late, Tulkinghorn hopped into a black cab with the two Clifford Chance partners - which he will now refer to as partner X, a leading player in litigation, and partner Y - assuming he was off to the Athenaeum or the East India Club.
Imagine Tulkinghorn's astonishment when, on asking where he was being taken, partner X bellowed: "We're going for some sex!"
Bemused, and not willing to offend, Tulkinghorn sheepishly stayed in the car and then tottered out behind the two partners on to Tottenham Court Road and then into the Spearmint Rhino. On our arrival, and much to Tulkinghorn's surprise, partner X announced that he was "off for a private dance", and promptly disappeared.
Alone and confused, Tulkinghorn sat in the corner of the bar, nursing his drink and desperately trying to ignore the 'amorous' attentions of several young dental floss-clad ladies until his friends returned.
But when they did return, things were no better. Partner X, now very excited by the ready availability of the ahem entertainment, simply sat grinning while a parade of girls, one after the other, were brought along to entertain him. During this episode, Tulkinghorn found out that partner X is rather a connoisseur of these establishments. He often travels to Eastern Europe on business, where, he told Tulkinghorn, "lap dancing clubs are better because there you're allowed to touch the girls".
Partner Y behaved impeccably, Tulkinghorn would like to point out, and talked mostly about international finance.
Tulkinghorn left the club as soon as was politely possible to do so, and confessed his misdemeanour to Mrs Tulkinghorn as soon as he arrived home.
Tulkinghorn was not forgiven immediately, as he was clearly very naughty. But all those nights spent sleeping in the shed have done nothing for his rheumatism. Tulkinghorn hopes that apologising in this public manner will go some distance to repairing the Tulkinghorn marriage.
Tulkinghorn would also like to take this opportunity to ask his readers: why is this establishment called the Spearmint Rhino?